Ive wanted to write something like this for a long time now… A dear friend of mine formulated some of these words together to form something of what goes on in my head and I filled in the blanks….We share a same common ((bond)) of anxiety depression and self-doubt! Not many people know this, or want to even talk about it but, In light of events that have taken place this week, and based on some conversations with some friends, and being capped off by hearing the news about Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain this evening, I have decided to share this. This post is most likely going to be long, and if you don’t agree with me, I ask that you keep it to yourself. This is my post, my wall, if you don’t like my thoughts, please unfollow me …NOW!!
I have depression, I have anxiety, and a whole host of other mental and physical illnesses. I also am an empath, and sensitive to the emotions and feelings of those around me. I see what is going on in the world, and it hurts my head, my heart, and my soul. This world is shitty, human beings are shitty. The world we have created is not kind to sensitive souls. The artists, the poets, the music makers, the dreamers and thinkers. On a whole, the people who try to make the world a better place suffer, and that is fucked up.
My depression and anxiety lie to me. They tell me that I’m not a good person, wife, mother, friend. They tell me that the people in my life don’t really like me, they just pretend they do. They make me second guess everything I say, or don’t say, anything I do, or don’t do. They blame me for things that are out of my control. They make me replay mistakes I’ve made over and over again. They make me think of every possible horrible thing that could happen in the future. They make me feel stupid. They make me doubt and not like myself. They sneak up on me and hit me over the head when I’m having a great day. They wake me up in the middle of the night convincing me that I’ve made someone angry. They tell me I’m ugly and not worth loving.
And I know that they tell me lies, but there are times I find it really really hard not to believe the lies. The rational me knows what they say isn’t true, and the rational me also knows that even if some of it is, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. But the me that can’t break away from them struggles sometimes, and it’s hard.
Fighting all this makes me tired, makes it hard to do things, which in turn gives my depression and anxiety more to feed off of. It’s a ruthless, vicious and cruel cycle.
I can feel energy, and lately, the collective energy is a heavy one. Its extremely draining on y body. I firmly believe that is what others feel too, and that may be the cause sometimes when people commit suicide. The weight of that energy can get to be too much for one person. And when you have depression and anxiety, one of their favourite lies is that no one wants to listen to you, no one wants to help you, that you will be burdening anyone you go to with your thoughts, your worries, your concerns. I know this, because that is what stops me from reaching out. I can feel the negative vibrations emanating all around me and … from me!
And I understand, when a suicide happens, there are a lot of posts from people saying just to reach out but it’s not always that easy.
I consider myself lucky, anytime a thought like that crosses my mind, I do know there are people who would not be better off with out me, and that thought is what keeps me here, makes me fight to get better, to try almost anything to keep fighting another day. I try to see the positive in the negative, the push against the pull, and the light within the darkness. Maybe that’s why I am drawn to the moon so much… Because I love the darkness that is where I live, I live in the shadows… and the moon lights my way back home!
And I know there are some that will say those who commit suicide are selfish, and I can see why someone might believe that, but I don’t believe that is true. When you are in that place, you are being fed lies, and you really do believe that the people you are leaving behind are better off without you, and it is a tough fight to fight against that belief, and some people get tired after fighting so much, they don’t mean to be selfish, they want the pain to stop for themselves, and those they believe they are causing pain to.
But I also want to address another side of this issue, those left behind. This is not their fault either. It is easy to blame yourself if someone you know or loved takes their own life, but you can’t blame yourself. You can only help another person if they are ready to be helped. It’s like someone with an addiction, or a hoarder, until they are ready to get help, and do what is needed to try to get better, you can’t help them. They have to hit rock bottom, the shitty thing is, sometimes rock bottom is a permanent thing.
You can be there for them, you can offer your help, you can offer advice, you can listen to them, and sometimes, that is enough, sometimes, that is all they need, but if they need more, if they need professional help, if they need help that they are refusing, then you can’t really help them. And you can’t blame yourself. They only person you have control over is yourself. And if you are dealing with a person like that, or have had some one in your life that has taken their own life, I ask that you speak to a professional, because guilt is good friends with depression and anxiety, and it’s a liar too. Just be there, if nothing else, just sit in close silence to the suffering, the person you love who doesn’t know how to love themselves. Just don’t give up on us….me!
I do a lot of thinking on my way to work each day, maybe too much. The OCD and analytical side of me tends to do that. I see the litter on the streets, I see the rudeness and impatience in other people. I talk to people all day, 5-6 days a week, many whom are entitled, and want others to take responsibility for their actions. It amazes me what we humans have done to the earth, to society, to each other. The importance we put on things that aren’t anything but something we’ve made up ourselves to put importance on.
I realize I’m idealistic, I realize that I see the world in a much different way than most people. I see what we could be if we could stop focusing on just “I” and from what I see around me, there aren’t a lot of people like me. But what I also see is, the people like me are trying to show to the world what we could have, if we all focused on each other, on the world as a whole, instead of just ourselves. I also think the people like me are getting tired, worn down, and overwhelmed by those who feel so much differently than us.
So, in closing, be kind to one another, LOVE EACH OTHER…you never know what another person is going through. I’m not saying let someone else take advantage of you, or abuse your kindness though. Some people, you can’t fix or change, and they will suck you down with them. Energy vampires are all around us, especially on sensitives and empaths.
I’m rambling now, but I have realized, I post my thoughts and opinions on social media…sometimes I’ve been afraid of what others might think or say, but I’m going to try not to do that anymore. I don’t care if others don’t like what I say, or don’t agree with my thoughts or beliefs. If you are my friend, and are kind, we can discuss each others views, but if you are rude, and hostile about it, I will remove you from my friend list, because I may not be able to rid the world of negative people, I can at least rid my social media of it.
I LOVE YOU ALL TO MY ACRE ON THE MOON… especially the ones who read this whole damn thing!!